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Anastasia International’s History of Dating

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Most of us imagine the history of dating as either starting when the first caveman banged his club over a cavewoman’s head or when Adam and Eve had a picnic with an apple for dessert. It actually started much earlier than either of those incidents. Now, thanks to the researchers at the Anastasia International School of Inter-Gender Relationships, is a clear timeline illustrating the full history of men asking women to dinner and a movie.

3.8 Billion Years B.C.

The Earth cools down enough to allow for the first simple life forms, prokaryotes, to appear. They reproduce by splitting in half, meaning this will be the first and last time a male doesn’t need to guess where a female wants to eat when she says, “Wherever.”

Yeah, we didn’t find this sexy, either.

230 Million Years B.C.

Fossil records from the age of the dinosaurs depict a male dinosaur turning his head to get a better look at an especially fetching female dinosaur as she passes him by.

You know how that disappointment after a woman shoots you down feels like it could last forever? It can!

50 Million Years B.C.

Some scientists theorize that the dinosaurs became extinct after too many dates where one of the parties was stood up. Their disappearance enabled mammals to thrive, and of course, frequent the many watering holes now left vacant. But, it was still impossible at times to get the bartender’s attention.

An artist’s depiction of a saber tooth tiger giving another tiger a hickey.

9,500 B.C.

The Neolithic Period saw the beginning of people living together in societies and the birth of the cave bachelor pad. This was soon followed by a girl entering the cave, leaving and returning with some flowers to give it a “woman’s touch.”

Yes, cavewomen looked exactly like this. Every last one of them. Is that a problem?

3,500-3,000 B.C.

Full-blown cities crop up in places like Mesopotamia and writing is invented so accountants can keep track of grain. It’s not long after when the accountants become bored and start sending love letters to the cute girls working the reception desk at the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Women soon discovered that makeup had uncanny effects on men. The first Estee Lauder cover girl wasn’t far behind.

1194 B.C.

A woman named Helen ditches her old husband for young, rich stud Paris of Troy. Unfortunately for both of them, Helen’s cuckolded husband is Menelaus, the king of Sparta. The 10-year-long Trojan War starts, not ending until Menelaus’ army sneaks into the city hidden inside a giant wooden horse. People have been leery of Greeks bearing gifts ever since.

You'd launch a thousand ships for this face, too.

30 B.C.

Cleopatra, the beautiful, 21-year-old queen of Egypt, initiates the world’s first blind date by having herself delivered to 52-year-old Julius Caesar, head of the Roman Empire, rolled up in a carpet. After Caesar is assassinated, Cleopatra marries his best friend, Mark Antony. Years later, thinking that Cleopatra had killed herself, Antony commits suicide. When Cleopatra finds out, she kills herself. If only they’d had instant messaging back then, the whole mess could’ve been avoided.

Knock, knock. Special delivery from Egyptian Carpets R Us.

476 A.D.

The Huns sweep into Europe from Russia, bringing the 1,000 years of Roman domination to an end. They also brought along some of the stunning women who continue to transfix Western men to this day. Go, Huns!

Call us unrealistic but this is what we like to imagine barbarian women looked like.

900 A.D.

The Vikings sail out from Scandinavia, raiding and settling everywhere they could in Europe, Asia, Iceland and Greenland. The remarkable success in battle is often explained by their tactic of using the Swedish Bikini Team as a distraction.

See? Distraction and diversion are time-tested battlefield tactics!

1100 A.D.

The Crusades are well underway, with hundreds of thousands of Western men traveling to faraway exotic lands. In a sense, these were the world’s first romance tours as the men encountered women of foreign and incomparable beauty. (Note: The use of swords, maces and battle axes on modern romance tours is frowned upon.)

The first Crusaders knew they weren’t in Kansas anymore (not that they knew where Kansas was, either).

1492 A.D.

While looking for a trade route to Asia, Christopher Columbus stumbles upon the Americas, touching off an era of exploration and colonization lasting for centuries. It also touched off an era of men falling for hot Latinas because, let’s face it, if it weren’t for Chris, we’d never have Salma Hayek, Eva Longoria or Jessica Alba.

The real reason we celebrate Columbus Day.

1750 A.D.

Machines to spin cotton and steam engines kick off the Industrial Revolution that sees, among other developments, people moving from the countryside to the cities in search of work and better pick-up joints than they had out in the sticks. It also results in women entering the workplace, making it a lot easier for guys to ask them out after their shift is done.

From here to there .. Now, that's progress!

1982 A.D.

The Internet is invented, and within a couple of decades, online dating becomes commonplace, with men scouring the Web for Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now. Frustrated with who they find in their own countries, more and more men start using sites like Anastasia International, part of a tradition that dates back millennia.

God bless technology because computers sure beat cuneiform!