Trump Relaxes Federal Cannabis Rules After Late-Night Meeting With Dr. S. Dogg

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced a dramatic softening of federal marijuana policy this week after an “extremely chill” late-night briefing from cannabis guru Dr. S. Dogg, who reportedly arrived in the Oval Office wearing shades, a tie-dye lab coat, and flip-flops.

“For years they said marijuana was terrible. Just awful. Very bad plant,” Trump told reporters from the Oval Office. “But then Dr. Dogg comes in – smart guy, tremendous vibes. And he explains it’s actually, maybe, sort of… relaxing? People seem happier. Less angry. Frankly, we could use that.”

The executive action stops short of full legalization but downgrades marijuana’s federal status to something Trump described as “not great, not terrible, kind of like cable news.” The move also reduces certain penalties, eases restrictions on cannabis-related businesses, and encourages federal agencies to “take it easy for a minute, okay?”

Dr. S. Dogg, wearing sunglasses indoors and speaking exclusively in metaphors, praised the decision. “This plant has been misunderstood for generations,” he said. “It’s not about getting high, it’s about getting aligned. Also snacks. Mostly snacks. F’shizzle.”

The Controlled Substances Act of 1970 had previously placed marijuana in the same category as heroin, a comparison Dr. Dogg reportedly called “a real buzzkill.” Trump agreed, noting, “One makes people relax on the couch. The other ruins lives. Very different energies.”

Sources inside the White House claim the president became increasingly receptive after Dr. Dogg presented a 47-slide PowerPoint titled ‘Why Everyone Needs to Calm Down’, which included charts, lava lamp visuals, and a closing slide that simply read: “Bro.”

“I looked at the data,” Trump said. “A lot of colors. Very convincing. Some charts didn’t even have numbers, just arrows going up. That’s how you know it’s good.”

While critics argue the move lacks scientific rigor, supporters point out that the administration has never been more relaxed about anything in its history.

At press time, President Trump was reportedly brainstorming names for the initiative, which include Operation Mellow Out, The Federal Chill Act, and Make America Nap Again, before dispatching his personal assistant to the nearest Taco Bell with instructions to “bring back everything on the menu, especially those Crunchwrap things.”

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