It happens. You’ve got your chips and dip laid out on the coffee table, you’re geared up in your luckiest jersey, and you’ve fired up the big screen and the pregame coverage is just starting, then you hear a noise from the next room.
It’s your girlfriend and she wants your attention. Not in a few hours, now. It’s frustrating. The following is a list of ways (with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, it is 2012 after all, boys) to keep your woman distracted so you can watch the game.
1. Give Her The Credit Card
We all know that the ladies like to spend the monies, so if you really want to distract her, you’re going to have to go big or go home. Open your wallet, pull out the plastic, say a prayer to the Debt Gods or whomever looks after this stuff, and hand over your credit card. It won’t be pleasant, but at least she’ll be so busy scoping out the newest pair of Jimmy Choos—these are shoes, fancy shoes, that women like—that you’ll have a few hours of peace, quiet, and your TV screen.
2. Suffer Through The Real Housewives Of Whatever
If the issue is that she’s upset that you’re hogging the TV for hours on end, you’re going to have to do some pre-emptive distracting. For at least a week ahead of the big game, you’ll need to let her be in control of your TV watching schedule so that you’ll have some leverage come kickoff. Say goodbye to watching the new episode of Dirty Jobs and say hello to shows with names like “My Big Fat Greek Wedding on the Jersey Shore” and “Spoiled Wives Living Empty Lives.” Hey, we all have to make sacrifices.
3. A Room Of Her Own
Perhaps the best way to keep her distracted is to build her a spot that’s just her own, preferably as far away from the TV room as possible. You’ve heard of the Man Cave, and this room should be something like that. Let’s call it a Lady’s Nest.
You’ll want to fill the room up with all of the things that women like: pictures of Brad Pitt, scrapbooking materials, a fridge full of yogurts, and a TV that plays romantic comedies on a constant loop. Once she sets eyes on that woman mecca, I’m sure you’ll have all the time in the world to sit down and watch the game.
4. Bring The Drama
This next idea is simple, but quite effective if you can manage to pull it off. You’ll first need to make sure you befriend her best friend’s current guy interest. Once you do, cajole him into starting a fight with the bestie a few hours before game time. Make sure it’s a good one that involves a lot of finger pointing and yelling. By the time game time rolls around, your girlfriend will be so busy trying to fix her friend’s relationship problems that you can watch the game uninterrupted.
5. Suddenly Become The Fix-It Guy You Always Dreamed Of Being
This idea involves a lot of manual labor, and forethought, but sometimes a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do, you feel me? A few months before the season begins, propose doing a lot of DIY remodeling around the house. Start making long trips to your local hardware store. Like take hours every time. You might even want to drag your lady with you on one or two of these outings. Make sure that you take your time examining every caulk, every nail, every tool until she’s bored to tears. When the season rolls around, you’ll be free to say, “Heading to the store for some pipes for the bathroom, want to come along?” She won’t, and you’ll have the perfect cover for sneaking off to the local sports bar for a few hours.
6. Take A Knee
You know what the best way to distract any female is? Ask her to marry you. That’s right. Women spend their entire adult lives just waiting for that proposal, heck, they’ve been planning their weddings since they were wee little girls, so go ahead and do it. Buy her a pretty ring, take her to a romantic spot, and bite the bullet, man.
Ask her for her hand in marriage, and you’re getting yourself a good year, maybe even a year and a half if your drag out the engagement, of uninterrupted game viewing. She’ll be too busy pinning the lastest wedding trends on her Pinterest page and swapping ideas with her BFFs to even notice that you’re watching the game, let alone nag you about it.
7. Um, How About You Just Talk To Her?
Novel idea, feel free to ignore it, but how about instead of trying to distract her you just, you know, talk about it? Let her know that she’s the most important thing to you, but watching the game is also something that you value. Heck, you might be surprised when she tells you to scoot your rear over so she can sit down and watch with you. Pass the chips.
Written by Alyssa Ennis, a blogger in the Seattle area. You can keep up with her on Twitter.