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I Want My Ex-Girlfriend Back: Want vs. Need



Angry Ex-Girlfriend

Whenever a guy asks me, “I want my ex-girlfriend back. How do I do it?” I always ask him to first tell me why he wants her back. Obviously, the most common answer is that he misses her and the good times they had in the relationship, but I need him to think beyond the obvious and be absolutely honest with himself about his real reasons for wanting his ex-girlfriend back. The bottom line is this: Is he saying, “I want my ex-girlfriend back,” or is he really saying, “I need my ex-girlfriend back”?

Wanting or Needing?

After a break up, a lot of guys come to realize that what they had with their girlfriend  was special and is what they really want from a relationship. Despite getting out there and meeting and having sex with new women, they still feel as though they want their ex back. A guy like this doesn’t need her back because he can get other women, but he wants her back because she definitely seems like the perfect woman for him. He will have a high chance of getting her back if he first works on improving himself and fixing his issues and then gets in contact with her when he’s ready. Most guys get dumped for being too insecure or controlling, so a guy will need to fix that about himself first before getting in touch with her. When they meet up again, she will be able to see the changes in him, but more importantly, she will feel differently around him because of the changes. If he truly has changed and sincerely wants her back (not needs her back), then she will naturally feel that giving it another chance is a good idea or at least worth trying.

On the other hand, guys who say they want their ex back, but are really saying that they need their ex back are in for a painful journey of rejection and heartbreak. If a guy needs his ex back for his emotionally security and hasn’t spent a lot of time and effort fixing the things about himself that caused the break up in the first place, then she’s just not going to be interested. Needing her back might come down to the fact that he’s too lazy to find himself another girlfriend – probably having taken his ex for granted for far too long – or it might be that his confidence and self-esteem has taken such a knock after being dumped that he doesn’t want to take the risk of approaching other women for fear of being rejected again. He needs his ex back because he’s lonely and he misses the comforts of his ex relationship, but he is unwilling to step out of that comfort zone to begin approaching and dating other women. He doesn’t want to be lonely, so he thinks that he wants his ex back, but loneliness is not wanting her back, it’s needing her back.

Dating Other Women First

It’s definitely not essential to get out there and date and have sex with new women before getting back with your ex girlfriend. However, some guys need it to help them realize that their ex is not the only woman in the world for them. If a guy feels as though other quality women wouldn’t want him, then he will cling to his ex as an emotional security blanket. He will do whatever he can to get her back, instead of facing the fact that he needs to become a stronger man and fix the insecurities and behaviors that caused the break up in the first place.

A guy who has moved on and dated other women is one who has given himself the opportunity to form new relationships and experience love again. Even if it’s just the beginning of love after sleeping with a woman for a couple of weeks, at least he has experienced it. From that, he will have realized that his ex isn’t the only woman in the world that he can experience love with. At that point, if he still misses his ex and what they had together, he knows for sure that he wants her back, but doesn’t necessarily need her back. This is why it’s so important to figure out whether you’re a guy who is saying, “I want my ex-girlfriend back,” when you’re really saying, “I need my ex-girlfriend back.”

Needing Her Back

Women are attracted to the strength in men, not the weakness. As such, neediness is not an attractive trait in a man, so if you give her the impression that you need her back for your emotional security, then it will never be attractive to her. Additionally, if you discover that it’s actually laziness or a lack of confidence around other women that has led you to believe you that you need your ex back, then you’ve most likely just discovered the reason why she chose to become your ex in the first place. If you want to get your ex-girlfriend back, you need to become the type of man she would actually want to have back. For you, this might mean eliminating all forms of neediness and anxiety from your behavior in a relationship, but it will almost certainly mean learning how to develop more self-confidence and emotional masculinity as a man. You need to become stronger (mentally and emotionally) than you’ve ever been before, rather than just improving a little bit and hoping she’ll take pity on you. Only when you have dramatically improved will it feel right to her to give you and the relationship another chance. You’ve got to learn from your mistakes and become a better man as a result, not maintain your weakness and expect that she will accept that back into her life.

Wanting Her Back

There is nothing wrong with wanting your ex back. If what you both shared was truly special and you happened to ruin it with your lack of relationship experience or emotional weakness, then it is completely normal and natural for you to want to redeem yourself and get her back into your life. However, if you truly want your ex girlfriend back, you must become more attractive to her than you were before. By that, I don’t mean physically attractive, I mean attractive in every way that a man and a woman can be compatible with each other.

What makes a couple compatible is what I refer to as the 5 Categories of Compatibility, which are:

1. Emotional

2. Mental

3. Physical

4. Social

5. Spiritual

If you work out at the gym often and have built yourself a perfect gym body, it won’t mean anything to a woman if you aren’t emotionally compatible with her. Sure, initially she might think, “Ooh, nice muscles” but that thought will quickly fade away if she feels stronger than you (emotionally) because you lack confidence around her, doubt yourself, become needy or become too protective of her. To make her want you back for real, you need to improve the parts about yourself that aren’t compatible with her. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect her to be willing to take you back.

The Reality of Relationships

A lot of guys who’ve been dumped by their girlfriend and desperately want her back, often feel like they are the only ones going through it and that it will be almost impossible to get her back. However, the reality of relationships worldwide is that people break up and get back together all the time. It’s completely common for a couple to have a mini-break up or serious break up and then get back together. So, don’t feel as though you’re on your own with this. You’re not a failure for having a relationship break up, but you will be a failure if you don’t learn from it and improve yourself.

Some couples break up and get back together for years on end, but then end up splitting for good when it gets to the point where it all feels hopeless and like nothing will ever change. If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, don’t rely on using tricks or lies to get her talking to you or meeting up with you. Getting her back for good comes down to you fixing your issues, improving your relationship intelligence (through learning or experience) and becoming a bigger and better man that you already are right now.

Dan Bacon is a dating expert and the founder of The Modern Man, a company which has helped 1,000s of men achieve success with women. He has a book called The Flow and 10 additional training programs about success with women, dating and relationships in the modern world.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Phil

    December 21, 2013 at 11:14 am

    My thought is that we break up for a good reason, and getting back together never really works. Move on and explore other people in life.

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