Turning a woman on isn’t about any kind of technique, pickup line, or even the way you dress. Sure, the way you dress *might* help with some women, but only if who you’re being as a man is on point. Sexual turn-on is something that happens naturally for both men and women all the time. So let’s focus on just being the type of man who triggers turn-on in women all the time simply by showing up and being present, instead of thinking you have to “do” something.
The Deeper Level Of Turn-On
Triggering sexual turn-on happens at a very deep level of human interaction. It’s tied to tens of thousands of years of evolution and reproduction and it’s very primal. I like to think about how back in ancient times, different types of men in a tribe would stack up when it comes to attracting a mate.
I use this example of ancient tribes because it puts us more in touch with a society where the stakes of survival were higher and everything in life was much more primal. The world was a more dangerous place, and dying before passing on your genes was a real threat for everyone. This is why women would look for men possessing certain traits when selecting a partner, like strength, confidence and groundedness, social power, or access to resources. Great hunters, warriors, and chiefs were highly valued.
But not much has truly changed in terms of what turns women on in modern times except we now express them differently to fit into our current world.
Let’s think of three different men as potential suitors:
Man #1 is typically nervous and bad with tension. He’s afraid to move forward and commit to action. He always analyzes his options which shows intelligence and planning, but does so to the point of fearful inaction. It’s unlikely that this man would be a first choice for a mate, as he offers little in the way of providing food, shelter, or security. This is especially key for a woman if she were to get pregnant and thus even more vulnerable to harm.
Of course, we have a much looser concept of gender roles today. Many women can and want to provide for themselves, but generally they still have the same innate drives. I find again and again with women in my life, the lives of our clients at FEARLESS, and with all the models who work with our clients that even most women who are movers and shakers in their careers want to be in their feminine when it comes to relationship (or just dating) time. And she can’t feel safe doing that with a man who doesn’t step into his masculine for her.
Man #1 is just not an ideal choice, and he would likely be passed over for another suitor. His hesitation and over-analysis doesn’t inspire much confidence in women because he is not moving forward enough. Hesitation kills.
Now meet Man #2. He is incredibly brash and strong. A great warrior and hunter who’s always moving forward, but often to a fault. He can accomplish what needs to be done in the moment, but his ungrounded emotions, short temper, and lack of attention to the greater picture puts him in danger of getting himself – and others around him – killed. He might be attractive to women in the tribe, but none of them think he’s a good long term investment, as any day on this earth might be his last!
Finally, there’s Man #3. He’s got the best traits from Man #1 and Man #2. He has the ability to step into tension and accomplish like Man #2, but he has enough of Man #1’s healthy restraint to hold back when necessary.
This is the modern day equivalent of a man who is comfortable with his own power and is not afraid to use it, but also has enough deference to know when it’s time to be more receptive, measured, and self-reflective. Man #3 has balance and signals all the right things to a woman in the tribe: he will be able to protect her during pregnancy and is more likely stick around to help her raise and provide for the children. (*FYI: This is just an example. I’m not necessarily advocating children as a goal for anyone’s relationship. That’s a different topic all together.)
The key takeaway is that these ancient drives still affect and influence our behavior when it comes to attraction and sex. Next week, I’ll get into how you can work on naturally showing up as your own version of Man #3, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, check out the FEARLESS blog for more dating and relationship advice!