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How To Work On Yourself And Become More Appealing To Women



Couple on a date

Last week, we discussed why women get naturally turned on around certain types of men and not others. Today, we’ll talk about how you can work on yourself to become that ideal man that she is inexplicably attracted to.

We’re all growing and evolving over time. Go back in your mind to 2009 and I’m sure you can identify some ways you’ve changed and grown in the ten years since. And as long as we stay open and self-aware, we can keep being students of life and continue to evolve throughout for as long as we’re on the planet.

I never stop working on myself. In fact, at FEARLESS, the coaches and I are even doing our own training and accountability program right now to deepen the work we teach at our events and continue to grow as men ourselves.

All the traits we’re about to discuss can be developed by any man, at any point in his life. It may take time to start seeing the results in your life, but hopefully you’ll see it as worth it to put in the work to change the rest of your life. I also want you to realize that men you see who have these traits probably didn’t develop them overnight. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else – focus in on your own process, where you are, and where you want to go.

Stepping Into Tension

As I described in last week’s article, men who are comfortable dealing with tension have no trouble triggering turn-on in women. Women can sense it when we’re holding tension in our bodies and voices, and how you are managing that corresponds to how you are dealing with tension throughout your life. A man who regularly steps into tension – and handles it well – will come off as confident and self-assured.

This doesn’t mean you should project an air of bravado or false confidence, but rather to be authentic with what you’re really experiencing. In most of our classic hero stories, the hero feels immense fear before they face their biggest, scariest obstacle. And part of what makes them a hero is performing anyway.

There may be tension in the confident man’s body, but he’s ok with it – not in resistance to it. He’ll enjoy or at least own his nervousness, sexual turn-on, embarrassment, and etc. He won’t try to hide it from the woman, or feel or be apologetic about any of it. Fear (a form of tension) can even be fun, like going skydiving, riding a rollercoaster, or watching a scary movie. Fear, nervousness, and even embarrassment around talking to women can be fun too. It can make you feel alive.

The more comfortable you become with tension – and being uncomfortable – in your own life and with women, the more it becomes a playful dance instead of a challenge to overcome. Can you say something flirtatious or sexual to a woman and then really sit with it, and feel it? That’s sexual turn-on right there.

The more you allow yourself to appreciate the women in front of you, get turned on by them, embrace those feelings and sensations in your body, and let them see, hear, and feel that from you without an air of apologeticness or needing anything in return from them, the more they will often get turned on themselves.

Try to give your compliments from a place of expressing yourself and giving vs looking for a reaction from her. This can be a very subtle difference, but women are experts with emotional subtlety, and they will usually sense it (or just that “something’s off,” or that she’s just not turned on by you) if you’re heavily analyzing or hanging on her reaction.

Specific compliments on how she looks or something that really turns you on about her can be useful vs just “you’re so beautiful,” because it shows you’re paying attention more than a lot of men, and that there is indeed something different about her that you like.

But even more impactful than that is how you say it. If you rush through the compliment, that is a tension release – you’re trying to get rid of the tension of what you’re saying as quickly as possible. It’s far sexier and more confident if you slow down, let her see you really taking her in like a cool drink of water, hold eye contact, and deliver your words. One. At. A. Time. Read more on complimenting women here.

This raises tension, which can sometimes come in the form of awkwardness or her seeming to freak out a little, but that’s where you learn to relax into it, be ok with it being uncomfortable, and keep enjoying her. Handling all this emotion well – yours and hers – can really create sexual tension and get her turned on.

If there’s never any tension in your interactions or dates, they usually won’t go anywhere. Get used to the fact that tension is part of creating chemistry and part of the dance of mutual seduction.

Another way to amp up her sexual turn-on when you are starting to get comfortable touching her physically is to not immediately escalate your touching and to just continue talking to her normally or whatever it was you were doing. This will create a feeling of mystery and sexual tension around when you will take the next step. It can leave her itching for more and getting more turned on.

Always respect women’s physical boundaries, and don’t freak out when her boundaries come up. Which brings us to the next part…

Grounding Tension

Grounding is the ability to handle the tension that is brought to you from life in an effective way. When you’re giving the aforementioned tension-filled compliments, or if she pulls away from your touch or an attempt to kiss her, or if a girlfriend is having a problem, are you able to handle the emotions of the situation? Or do you lose your composure and shrink from it?

It’s not just in relationships but also in life, as things don’t always go as planned. How do you react to that?

If a man can ground this tension through his body, he signals security and that he’s available to fill the role of protector if need be. This is incredibly attractive to women and is rarely seen in men these days. When playing with turn-on, a grounded man is able to handle more sexual energy without getting too freaked out or lost in the moment and unable to lead. A number of inexperienced men will seek to release tension as soon as they create it (like laughing it away or turning it into a joke) because they can’t handle the energy. If you can stick with it and with her, remaining present to the experience, that will ignite her turn-on.

If she shies away from your physical touch or outright rejects it, do you get butthurt, offended, or defensive about it? Or do you respect it, relax, and continue the conversation/interaction?

The less personally you take things, the more attractive you become in her eyes, and the more comfortable and safe she’s likely to feel with you.

Stepping Deeper Into Turn-On

Stepping into turn-on is similar to stepping into tension in that they are both forward moving energies. A lot of men downplay their feelings of turn-on, whether it’s with a woman or with life in general.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gives a great example of what it is like to be engaging with your turn-on all the time in his Pumping Iron documentary. He talks about feeling like he’s “cumming all the time,” even when lifting weights or crossing the street. Of course this isn’t meant to be taken literally but it’s about capturing that spirit of joy and enthusiasm for your life. Not only is the positive energy naturally attractive to women, but it signals that you’re a healthy person to be around and get close too. The fact that you don’t have many issues weighing you down emotionally or dimming your light is a good sign of a man who has his shit together in life.

When you aren’t hiding the energy you’re experiencing sexually or otherwise, it’s attractive to women. If you’re turned-on and just letting the energy move through you, it’s likely that she’ll pick up on it and start to experience her own.


Leading is all about guiding the interactions around you from a place of strength. It can mean taking care of the decision-making when you take a woman out. It also means having a direction in your life.

What turns a woman on about a strong man leading is that it allows her to relax into her own feminine. She can soften her energy and open herself up to more to the world. Women love opportunities to do this because they have become used to being in their own masculine in their day-to-day lives. When you begin leading with women (and for yourself) in your life, you will notice a change in their behavior.

Some examples of how to start leading with women include taking charge and making plans, starting and guiding conversations, sparking sexual turn-on, and touching her physically when the time is right. There are no “hacks” to this process other than doing the work and cultivating yourself as a man.

You can read more on Grounding and Leading on our site.

And consider joining me at one of my upcoming “The FEARLESS Man Liveseminars. For two days, we will dive deep into all this stuff – fear, getting good with tension, confidence, women, sex, success, and more. And we’ll even take you out and get you practicing, pushing your boundaries, and progressing right away.

Brian Begin is the founder of FEARLESS, where he helps students build deep, elite levels of confidence that allow them to achieve success and connect with people at degrees they never believed possible.

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