I came across this story last week, and thought it was worth reposting for those who might have missed it. Enjoy!
This is a story of why dating bipolar girls is not a good idea and how the Domino’s Pizza tracker saved my life
I have always been on the fence when it comes to Pizza Hut Vs. Dominos. I don’t eat enough pizza from either to really have a concrete answer of which one makes a better pie. I can tell you one solid truth… As my last relationship ended and the lies, scandals and deceptions came out, after all was said and done, my psycho ex girlfriend did teach me one VERY important thing:
ALWAYS choose Domino’s over pizza hut.
I had been having trouble with my now EX-girlfriend for quite awhile, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say she went crazy. I thought, simple: I’ll just break it off.
One Friday night, around 8:00pm, after a long week of work and incessant phone calls/psychotic voicemails from the unbalanced EX, I decided I was going to stay in, which one any weekend night is abnormal for me. Usually on weekend nights that I am in, I usually am cool with a movie, a 6 pack and a pizza. I had been ordering from Pizza Hut the last few times, but after a constant bombardment with Domino’s “WE’VE CHANGED OUR SHIT, I SWEAR WE’RE AWESOME NOW” ad campaign, I decided to give it a shot.
Around 8pm, I went online to order my pizza. I built a modest 2 topping medium pizza, and placed my order. You have to love how far we have come in the delivery pizza world.
Immediately afterwards, I was introduced to the piece of a software that would save my neck.
The Pizza Tracker.
Pizza tracker? Fuck yeah, the pizza tracker. If you don’t know what the pizza tracker is, then get your ass online right now and order a pizza from Domino’s. It’s the equivalent of a loading bar on a web browser, except at the end of the loading you get a delicious pizza.
This is where the night got interesting.
I am on my couch, one eye on “Parks and Rec” the other on the pizza tracker displayed on my lap top that joined me on the couch.
We had just entered stage 2: Prep.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
For a split second I thought, “woh that was fast,” I put my order in 10 minutes ago and pizza tracker says it’s still in stage 2.
By the end of my thought, the door swung open.
Yep, it was my psychotic EX. Knife in hand, she starts threatening to do some pretty awful things. I try to stand up, she freaks. I stay on the couch and attempt to calm her down. She goes into a hysterical rant about us getting back together, ya right, and I glance at the pizza tracker.
Stage 3. Bake (Juan is putting your order in the oven)
She goes on while all I can think is GO JUAN GO!!!! GET THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN!
I try to calm her down, I stand up and she freaks out and tells me “SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!”
She continues on her violet outburst and I tell her we can work things out hoping to get her to calm down. It’s no use.
I decide I need to try and get to my phone. I inconspicuously try to look for my cell phone. Dammit! I left it my room. I am screwed. I am dead. The pizza man will get blamed for this! Oh, the poor pizza boy will be wrongfully blamed and get life in prison for what this unstable bitch is going to do to me.
STAGE 4! BOX!
FUCK YEAH! They are boxing up my pizza. Get your ass over here!
She continues on for another 5 minutes. Trying to make eye contact, glancing at the pizza tracker every second she looks away.
Stage 5! DELIVERY: Alejandro is delivering your pizza.
GOD SPEED ALEJENDRO!!! MY LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM RELY ON THIS!
Knowing that the Alejandro is on the way, I try and just keep her talking, but the more she talks the more enraged she gets. I try to interupt, but that just makes things worse.
It’s been 10 minutes, Alejandro should be here any time.
She continues, she is yelling at the top of her lungs about the things we could have been. I am still banking that Alejandro will be here any second and save the day.
10 more minutes go by.
Alejandro GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!
SHE IS OFFICIALLY FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. She puts the knife up to her wrist and then takes it away. I am panicking. Where the fuck is Alejandro! Pizza tracker tells me we’re still in stage 5. FUCK YOU PIZZA TRACKER , YOU’VE BEEN IN STAGE 5 FOR 25 MINUTES!!!! I will never order from Domino’s again!!! After this thought I immediately think to myself, I will be dead, so I will probably never order another pizza again.
Right then, the cops come in. At gunpoint they calm her down and obtain the knife. Alejandro had shown up to the door wide open and saw psycho with the knife and went back to his ’98 Honda Accord and called the cops. Domino’s pizza literally saved my life. They should change the name from the pizza tracker to the savior tracker.
Alejandro is the true definition of a hero. In a way, Alejandro is the 5th ninja turtle. He showed up, accessed the situation, didn’t panic, and saved my ass from the bad guys. Oh yeah, and he brought a fucking excellent pizza too.
How To Cook The Perfect Lobster At Home And Impress Your Date
Nothing is more impressive than a man who knows his way around a kitchen – except one who also dishes out lobster as the meal of choice. That guy is a beast.. and the best part is that guy can be you.
Lobster tends to make people crabby in the kitchen, but it doesn’t have to be that way. These simple steps can help you cook the perfect carapace, and impress any girl you’re cooking for.
First and foremost, if this is your first date, don’t have her over to your place yet.
She’s still getting to know you — take her out a few times before you actually have her over for dinner. You don’t want to be creepy. So unless she’s one of those girls that thought Hannibal was hot, eat at a restaurant first.
If you’re past date three, you’re in the clear. Here’s how to create an awesome lobster dinner.
Tails Never Fails
If you’re new to the kitchen or the critter, stick to tails. They’re tasty, prepared in a pinch and you don’t have to commit a crustacean killing in front of your date.
If you want to be really impressive, get your lobsters directly from Maine. Maine lobsters have a whiter, sweeter meat that is more tender than those found in warm water.
A great way to prepare lobster tails is by baking them.
With a cook time of around 15 to 20 minutes and less mess to clean up, you’ll have more time to talk and enjoy each other’s company. That’s better than trying to figure out how to get the rubber band off the claws without losing a finger.
All you need is a baking sheet, some butter, lemons and an oven. Make sure that if the tails were frozen, you give them 8 to 10 hours to thaw in the fridge before you cook them.
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Take some kitchen scissors, dig the point of the blade into the shell and cut down the back without cutting the tail fin at the end.
Pull the meat out of the cut you’ve just made, and lay it onto the back of the shell. It’s kind of like a Viking blood-eagle, only the lobster already went to Valhalla.
Put your tails on the baking sheet, brush some melted butter onto the meat, bake for about 15 minutes and make sure the internal temperature reaches 140°F to 145°F.
Be sure not to overcook it. It will be tough and chewy — no one wants lobster bubble gum for dinner.
The lobster should be a creamy-white color, with no translucent meat. Be sure if you’re not eating it immediately, you put it in ice water so it stops cooking.
Congrats! You’re a Chef!
OK, you may not be Guy Fieri, but you did just create an excellent meal with a great date. While there may be a lot of fish in the sea, you’re the only one that took a lobster out of it and baked it for her.
Entenmann’s Is Giving Away Free Donuts For A Year Plus $5,000
Talk about a dream job! Entenmann’s Bakery is searching for the country’s biggest donut lover to be their first-ever “Chief Donut Officer”. And while this is just an honorary title, it comes with some pretty sweet perks, including a year’s supply of donuts, a bunch of Entenmann’s branded gear, along with $5,000 in cold hard cash.
Want to get in on the action? Then head over to www.chiefdonutofficer.com and share your love for Entenmann’s donuts, where you like to eat them, how you’d improve on Entenmann’s varieties, what new flavors you’d develop, and how you’d spread the word about the treats.
Responses will be judged based on passion, creativity and originality, with 5 finalists selected to submit video testimonials about why they deserve to be named Chief Donut Officer.
The contest kicks off just in time for National Donut Day (June 1) and runs through the end of the month. So what do you say? Do you think you’ve got what it takes to become Entenmann’s first-ever Chief Donut Officer? Then enter now for your chance to win!
Starbucks Just Took Two Of Their Classic Frappuccinos And Made Them Way Better
Get excited people, because Starbucks just took two of your favorite Frappuccino varieties and took them to the next level, with “extra texture, beautiful layers, and tons of flavor!”
The Ultra Caramel Frappuccino and Triple Mocha Frappuccino are essentially upgrades to Starbucks’ classic Caramel Frappuccino and Mocha Frappuccino, hence the addition of the “Ultra” and “Triple” monikers.
The Ultra Caramel Frappuccino is made by layering dark caramel sauce and whipped cream in a dark caramel-flavored coffee Frappuccino. The Triple Mocha Frappuccino sports ribbons of dark mocha sauce and whipped cream layered into a mocha-flavored Frappuccino.
Both of the Frappuccinos feature Starbucks’ all-new sweet cold brew whipped cream, infused with cold brew, dark caramel sauce and white chocolate mocha sauce. The new delicious cold brew whipped cream topping can also be added to any Starbucks beverage for 50 cents.
“Right away, you taste something different with the sweet cold brew whipped cream. Sip after sip, you get the blended coffee and the lighter whip with the dark caramel threaded all the way through,” Debbie Antonio, senior manager for Starbucks R&D, said in a press release.
Sounds pretty good, don’t you think? The new Frappuccinos are now available for purchase at Starbucks, so give ’em a try and let us know what you think!