I came across this story last week, and thought it was worth reposting for those who might have missed it. Enjoy!
This is a story of why dating bipolar girls is not a good idea and how the Domino’s Pizza tracker saved my life
I have always been on the fence when it comes to Pizza Hut Vs. Dominos. I don’t eat enough pizza from either to really have a concrete answer of which one makes a better pie. I can tell you one solid truth… As my last relationship ended and the lies, scandals and deceptions came out, after all was said and done, my psycho ex girlfriend did teach me one VERY important thing:
ALWAYS choose Domino’s over pizza hut.
I had been having trouble with my now EX-girlfriend for quite awhile, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say she went crazy. I thought, simple: I’ll just break it off.
One Friday night, around 8:00pm, after a long week of work and incessant phone calls/psychotic voicemails from the unbalanced EX, I decided I was going to stay in, which one any weekend night is abnormal for me. Usually on weekend nights that I am in, I usually am cool with a movie, a 6 pack and a pizza. I had been ordering from Pizza Hut the last few times, but after a constant bombardment with Domino’s “WE’VE CHANGED OUR SHIT, I SWEAR WE’RE AWESOME NOW” ad campaign, I decided to give it a shot.
Around 8pm, I went online to order my pizza. I built a modest 2 topping medium pizza, and placed my order. You have to love how far we have come in the delivery pizza world.
Immediately afterwards, I was introduced to the piece of a software that would save my neck.
The Pizza Tracker.
Pizza tracker? Fuck yeah, the pizza tracker. If you don’t know what the pizza tracker is, then get your ass online right now and order a pizza from Domino’s. It’s the equivalent of a loading bar on a web browser, except at the end of the loading you get a delicious pizza.
This is where the night got interesting.
I am on my couch, one eye on “Parks and Rec” the other on the pizza tracker displayed on my lap top that joined me on the couch.
We had just entered stage 2: Prep.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
For a split second I thought, “woh that was fast,” I put my order in 10 minutes ago and pizza tracker says it’s still in stage 2.
By the end of my thought, the door swung open.
Yep, it was my psychotic EX. Knife in hand, she starts threatening to do some pretty awful things. I try to stand up, she freaks. I stay on the couch and attempt to calm her down. She goes into a hysterical rant about us getting back together, ya right, and I glance at the pizza tracker.
Stage 3. Bake (Juan is putting your order in the oven)
She goes on while all I can think is GO JUAN GO!!!! GET THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN!
I try to calm her down, I stand up and she freaks out and tells me “SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!”
She continues on her violet outburst and I tell her we can work things out hoping to get her to calm down. It’s no use.
I decide I need to try and get to my phone. I inconspicuously try to look for my cell phone. Dammit! I left it my room. I am screwed. I am dead. The pizza man will get blamed for this! Oh, the poor pizza boy will be wrongfully blamed and get life in prison for what this unstable bitch is going to do to me.
STAGE 4! BOX!
FUCK YEAH! They are boxing up my pizza. Get your ass over here!
She continues on for another 5 minutes. Trying to make eye contact, glancing at the pizza tracker every second she looks away.
Stage 5! DELIVERY: Alejandro is delivering your pizza.
GOD SPEED ALEJENDRO!!! MY LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM RELY ON THIS!
Knowing that the Alejandro is on the way, I try and just keep her talking, but the more she talks the more enraged she gets. I try to interupt, but that just makes things worse.
It’s been 10 minutes, Alejandro should be here any time.
She continues, she is yelling at the top of her lungs about the things we could have been. I am still banking that Alejandro will be here any second and save the day.
10 more minutes go by.
Alejandro GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!
SHE IS OFFICIALLY FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. She puts the knife up to her wrist and then takes it away. I am panicking. Where the fuck is Alejandro! Pizza tracker tells me we’re still in stage 5. FUCK YOU PIZZA TRACKER , YOU’VE BEEN IN STAGE 5 FOR 25 MINUTES!!!! I will never order from Domino’s again!!! After this thought I immediately think to myself, I will be dead, so I will probably never order another pizza again.
Right then, the cops come in. At gunpoint they calm her down and obtain the knife. Alejandro had shown up to the door wide open and saw psycho with the knife and went back to his ’98 Honda Accord and called the cops. Domino’s pizza literally saved my life. They should change the name from the pizza tracker to the savior tracker.
Alejandro is the true definition of a hero. In a way, Alejandro is the 5th ninja turtle. He showed up, accessed the situation, didn’t panic, and saved my ass from the bad guys. Oh yeah, and he brought a fucking excellent pizza too.
Get Excited Panda Express Fans, Because Honey Sesame Chicken Breast Is Back!
Were you bummed when Panda Express got rid of their Honey Sesame Chicken Breast? Well get excited people, because this fan-favorite dish is coming back to a steam table near you for a limited time, starting August 15th!
For those of you who never had it before, this sweet dish features crispy chicken breast strips, string beans and yellow bell peppers, all tossed in a mouthwatering sweet sesame sauce and for the first time, crafted with organic honey. Can we say YUM?
“The wait is over for Honey Sesame Chicken Breast, which offers the bold Chinese flavors one can expect at Panda Express,” said Chef Jimmy Wang, director of culinary innovation. “As one of our most popular limited time offers, Honey Sesame Chicken Breast brings families together at the table – an important moment in life that we hope all of our guests have more time to enjoy with their loved ones.”
Pretty sweet, right? Every year, I look forward to its reappearance on the menu, and you better believe that I am going to eat the heck out of it while it’s available.
Who else is hitting the mall this week for some Honey Sesame Chicken Breast?
Michelob ULTRA Created The Ultimate Golf Bag.. Complete With A Keg Inside!
Yes, you read that right. Michelob ULTRA has unveiled quite possibly the coolest golf bag on the planet, one that every golfer and Caddyshack fan could only ever have imagined in their wildest dreams. And best of all, they’re giving away this bad boy to lucky beer lover, so you’ll definitely want to enter for your chance to win.
The Michelob ULTRA Caddie Bag is a one-of-a-kind prototype bag that includes everything you could ever need for the optimal 19th hole experience:
- 128 oz. refillable beer keg with a custom Michelob ULTRA tap handle
- Rechargeable BOSE Bluetooth speaker
- Built-in tablet for streaming all your favorite media
- Storage for pint glasses
- LED lighting
Want to be the envy of your golfing buddies with your own ULTRA Caddie? Enter for a chance to win it by sharing how you live ULTRA with @MichelobULTRA using #ULTRACaddieContest on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. The contest runs through August 12th, at which point a winner will be chosen at random.
“We are always looking for new ways to innovate and help our consumers live fit and fun, and the ULTRA Caddie delivers both,” said Azania Andrews, vice president, Michelob ULTRA. “Michelob ULTRA has been the official beer of golf for more than a decade, and we’re excited to unveil the ULTRA Caddie at the PGA Championship in St. Louis.”
As the official beer sponsor of the PGA Championship, Michelob ULTRA will debut the ULTRA Caddie at the PGA Championship at Bellerive Country Club in St. Louis this weekend.
You can see more photos of the Michelob ULTRA Caddie Bag below.
What do you think of the Michelob ULTRA Caddie Bag?
Chick-Fil-A To Launch New ‘Mealtime Kits’ Concept In Atlanta
Chick-Fil-A is looking to expand on it’s chicken empire, taking on the likes of Blue Apron with an all-new concept called Mealtime Kits. As the name suggests, these meal kits are designed to make it easy for customers to cook meals at home using fresh, pre-measured ingredients they can pick up in the drive-thru, at the front counter, or via the Chick-Fil-A One app.
This tasty idea which launch at 150 restaurants across the Atlanta area beginning August 27th, and customers can choose from five different kit recipes, which are easy to follow, simple to make and include the quality Chick-Fil-A chicken used in the brand’s famous chicken. And the chicken in the kits is already trimmed and marinated, so no fuss no muss.
Never before has a fast-food chain offered a full meal kit offering, and Chick-Fil-A will rely on customer feedback in this test market to help the company decide whether to roll out this innovative concept nationwide or not.
“We know our guests are busier than ever and need a variety of convenient dinner options. We’re excited to offer Mealtime Kits as a new way for us to serve our guests by providing fresh ingredients to enjoy a delicious meal at home.” said Michael Patrick, an innovation program lead at Chick-Fil-A who is leading the Mealtime Kits effort. “We designed our offering so our guests don’t have to order ahead, subscribe to a service, or make an extra stop at the grocery store. They simply pick up a Mealtime Kit at one of our restaurants at their convenience – for example, when they’re already at a Chick-Fil-A restaurant grabbing breakfast or lunch, or in the drive-thru on their way home.”
During the test period, Chick-Fil-A will rotate five different meal kit recipes to choose from: Chicken Parmesan, Chicken Enchiladas, Dijon Chicken, Pan Roasted Chicken and Chicken Flatbread. Each Mealtime Kit serves two people and will cost $15.89. Each kit has a “use-by” date, and they can be refrigerated at home for several days, depending on on the purchase date. That means you can even satisfy your Chick-Fil-A cravings on a Sunday!
It should be interesting to see how Chick-Fil-A’s Mealtime Kits goes over with customers in Atlanta. Personally, I think it’s a great idea, and I know that if I lived there and wasn’t sure what to do for dinner some night, I’d pick one up for a quality, “home made” dinner for two.
Want Chick-Fil-A to bring Mealtime Kits to your city? Then click here to let them know!